There and Back Again

Pondering: Now I see the secret of the making of the best persons. It is to grow in the open air and to eat and sleep with the earth. (Walt Whitman)

My sister told me today, that some folks in my office - she won’t name who - think that I am rude and abrupt. Ouch! I thought I’m direct and to the point, but apparently that is not how some people see it.

I have always known and a recent personality test confirmed, that I am absolutely awkward at small talks and niceties. I can deal with the occasional hi-how-are-yous, but if I don’t know you too well, I tend not to linger in that moment and would rather get down to business and move on.

I do know that I have changed a lot. I remember in high school, what made me decide to pursue psychology as my major in college was because I always thought I would make a good counselor. I always thought talking to people, and talking them through their troubles was my calling. Over the years, I realized that is not my calling. I realized that I no longer feel comfortable listening to other people’s woes - not for lack of feeling or because I don’t care. But because I don’t think I can handle the emotion that goes with discussions like that. I am an emotional person but I don’t want people to see me cry, especially in front of those who are confiding in me and expecting me to be the stronger person.

A few years ago, my sister’s daughter died of complications from pneumonia. My other sister called us here in the US to deliver the terrible news. She talked to me and she asked me to be strong and comfort my mom and dad who were devastated. Having a background in counseling, she thought I could do what she asked me to. But I couldn’t - I broke down and I think I was more of an emotional mess than my parents were. That precise moment changed me, changed what I thought my vocation in life was going to be.

I guess the avoidance if emotion is viewed by some as being rude and abrupt. I wonder how many of them out there think this way of me. Not that I care. I apologize if I have offended anyone, but I really don’t care because it wasn’t my intention to be rude and abrupt at all.