There and Back Again

Pondering: When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you. (Lao Tzu)

A feeling of elation washed over me today during my early morning walk. It was foggy when I set off for my four-mile walk. I could hardly see anything or anyone. The cool mist was biting but also invigorating. It was quite interesting to walk with the fog being as thick as it was, you never know what’s waiting ahead of you.

Very few people were out walking this morning, but the usual suspects who I always see in my morning walks had smiles on their faces, much like I did. We all greeted each other with warm hellos, and pleasant good-mornings. Could they have been enjoying a feeling of elation too? Happy to be alive on such a gloomy yet glorious morning?

At the end of the fourth mile, a hint of sun peeked from behind the thick fog - struggling to rise and dissolve the darkness. The view was spectacular. It felt like I was soaring through a moment I’ll never be able to capture again or even yet explain. This entry is an attempt to capture that moment but I am not doing a very eloquent job doing so. I wish I had a camera with me so I could have taken a picture of such a scene but the picture would not have captured the feeling I was feeling that moment - the feeling of being contented and just happy to be alive.

We all lead busy lives, we rarely get a glimpse of such a moment, or a glimpse of such a feeling. When you do - when I did today - you are thankful and somehow the rest of the day and the days to follow become somewhat bearable.

Pondering: My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. (Woody Allen)

…I looked like this.

Those were the days. Gone is the innocence, I think though I am still as hopeful. This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the many years of good health and reasons to smile.

Pondering: Now I see the secret of the making of the best persons. It is to grow in the open air and to eat and sleep with the earth. (Walt Whitman)

My sister told me today, that some folks in my office - she won’t name who - think that I am rude and abrupt. Ouch! I thought I’m direct and to the point, but apparently that is not how some people see it.

I have always known and a recent personality test confirmed, that I am absolutely awkward at small talks and niceties. I can deal with the occasional hi-how-are-yous, but if I don’t know you too well, I tend not to linger in that moment and would rather get down to business and move on.

I do know that I have changed a lot. I remember in high school, what made me decide to pursue psychology as my major in college was because I always thought I would make a good counselor. I always thought talking to people, and talking them through their troubles was my calling. Over the years, I realized that is not my calling. I realized that I no longer feel comfortable listening to other people’s woes - not for lack of feeling or because I don’t care. But because I don’t think I can handle the emotion that goes with discussions like that. I am an emotional person but I don’t want people to see me cry, especially in front of those who are confiding in me and expecting me to be the stronger person.

A few years ago, my sister’s daughter died of complications from pneumonia. My other sister called us here in the US to deliver the terrible news. She talked to me and she asked me to be strong and comfort my mom and dad who were devastated. Having a background in counseling, she thought I could do what she asked me to. But I couldn’t - I broke down and I think I was more of an emotional mess than my parents were. That precise moment changed me, changed what I thought my vocation in life was going to be.

I guess the avoidance if emotion is viewed by some as being rude and abrupt. I wonder how many of them out there think this way of me. Not that I care. I apologize if I have offended anyone, but I really don’t care because it wasn’t my intention to be rude and abrupt at all.

Pondering: My favorite thing is to go where I’ve never been. (Diane Arbus)

I have grown an affinity for the following things, of late (in no particular order):

• Mauna Loa chocolates
• CBS’s Criminal Minds
• Little Britain - USA
• Anton Corbin’s movie, Control, which tells the tragic story of Ian Curtis, lead singer of the English band Joy Division
• Ian McEwan books
• Minnesota Gopher college football (don’t ask why, I just do)
• Knee-high boots
• Sleeping in
• Peanut butter jelly sandwiches
• TNT’s Raising the Bar
• Knitting (again!)

Pondering: We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special. (Stephen Hawking)

I was browsing one day and chanced upon this one. If I were giving out awards for CD sleeves - this one gets top honors.

The monkey is enjoying this a lot, it seems!

Pondering: It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness. (Barack Obama)

Whether you voted for him or not or believe he can bring change or not; whether you are a Republican, Green Party or a doubting Democrat; whether you have good things to say about the first black president of America or not, you can’t deny that last night was a turning point for America as a nation.

His victory speech was full of hope and energy that I am hopeful will transform into actions come January, when he takes over an ailing, aching country. He has a long way to go and so do we all but at least we’re taking the steps.

It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled - Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America (President-Elect, Barack Obama

Yet as America elects its first non-Caucasian president and turns a tide, California recedes into bigotry and discrimination as it voted to eliminate gay marriages. We do have a long way to go…

Pondering: Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you. (Wally Amos)

This beautiful, beautiful song from the new Keane album, Perfect Symmetry moves me so much, I can’t explain it. It brings tears to my eyes for many different reasons. I am posting the lyrics here today, which is my birthday. Nothing else is more appropriate…

You Don’t See Me
(T. Rice-Oxley, T. Chaplin, R. Hughes)

All moving at the speed of life 
Reflecting in each others’ eyes 
But you’re moving with such irresistible speed 
You don’t see me 
No, you don’t see me 

Pondering: Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. (James M. Barrie)

For the last three weeks, I feel like I’ve been living off of a suitcase.  After awhile it gets a little boring and tiring.  I miss my bed, I miss my own bathroom, I miss my own car, I miss my own cooking.  As I write this, I am on board Virgin America back to San Francisco and this should be the last trip I take for a while, unless of course my sister decides to spend her December birthday elsewhere.

Three weeks ago, I was in Austin, TX for the Austin City Music Festival.  It was a lot of fun – I can tell you that albeit there weren’t too many bands I was familiar with who performed.  It was like going to a picnic everyday, eating unhealthy, greasy, barbeque food and sitting under the sun and watching people go about their own business.  The temperature was ridiculously high, of course but pleasant.  The festival this year was more organized than it was three years ago when I went.  The shuttles to and from the park were more controlled and the turnaround quicker.  The only downside was the hotel where we stayed in.  It’s one of those hotels where the acoustics are just really, really poor.  The occupants of the neighboring rooms liked to talk loud and decided, on the second night, to have some friends over for a late – LATE – night cap of drinks and screaming, excitable girls.  I had to call security twice to get them to shut up and by the time they did, well it was 4PM.  Thank god, I could sleep in.

The week after Austin, I had to fly to Sparks, NV for 3-day conference.  I stayed at what seems to be the only decent hotel in Sparks.  Why the conference couldn’t be in Reno, where there is a bit more life around, I don’t know.  The hotel was a sad place – old décor, dark hallways, cheap polyester beddings, an empty casino and restaurants that serve the most tasteless dishes.  The whole place reminded me of a senior center complete with a bingo hall in the basement and a gift shop that sold items from probably the 1980’s.  The whole time I was there, I felt like I was in a time warp and I couldn’t wait to get out.  The training/conference I attended was another thing that I don’t even want to discuss and think about.

This week, I was in Las Vegas for a conference and a bit of R&R.  I didn’t really do much while in Vegas.  The conference itself took up two of the three days I was there.  On Saturday, my sister and I went outlet shopping, like we always do, and spent the evening winning and losing a few dollars on the slot machines that give out free spins.

Life on the road can be tiring after awhile. I can’t imagine how others can do it all the time as part of their jobs. I find that while I’m on the road, I do miss the comfort of my own bed, the joy of eating food I cooked in my own kitchen, and the routine of my days at home.  I wish I were home already…

Pondering: Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college. (Kurt Vonnegut)

On my trip to Austin, TX last weekend to attend the 3-day Austin City Music Festival, I brought with me a copy of Ian McEwan’s On Chisel Beach. Once I started reading it, I just could not put it down. I usually get headaches when I read on the plane but I didn’t care. I couldn’t stop reading.

McEwan’s words and paragraphs are so vivid and so memorable. When he describes how sunny and glorious the day is, I can actually feel the sun kissing my face and when he describes the pain in his heroine’s heart, I can feel a lump in my throat the size of a tennis ball because he describes it in a most affecting way. He truly, truly moves me with his words.

I finally finish the book while waiting for my very delayed flight back to San Francisco. (Yes, there’s hardly any opportunity to read at the festival as you can imagine.) When I finally finished, I was heartbroken. Partly because the story is heartbreaking but mostly because I just read the book I wish I wrote. A review on the back of the book said it was the “perfect novel” and that is so true.

I am jealous beyond words and can only wish that I had an iota of his brilliance in taking a very simple story about words said and unsaid, and make it into an unforgettable novel that is nothing but perfect.

Pondering: When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. (Thomas Szasz)

My good friend and co-worker Dina and I went to lunch yesterday to talk about the upcoming performance evaluation of three of the seven managers she directly and I inidirectly manage. (Just noticed how long that sentence is.) It was a hot day, as it has been the last few weeks here in the Bay Area but we decided to head for a Vietnamese Pho restaurant a few blocks from the office. I’ve been to this restaurant before, always ordering the same thing - grilled chicken over vermicelli, which is probably why I never paid attention to the menu.

As we were perusing the list of items, Dina pointed out to me a few of the vermicelli dishes she was pondering and then we chanced upon one item in the menu that both stopped us and sent us guffawing:

Grilled beef and shrimp over vermin.

I don’t think even Andrew Zimmern (from the Discovery Channel’s ‘Bizaare Foods’) will try this one. Hilarious! I know it’s a typo, but it’s a hell of a typo!

Meriam-Webster Dictionary: Main Entry: ver·min. Pronunciation: \ˈvər-mən\. Function: noun. 1: a small common harmful or objectionable animals (as lice or fleas) that are difficult to control b: birds and mammals that prey on game c: animals that at a particular time and place compete (as for food) with humans or domestic animals. 2: an offensive person.